Lesson 40

Sacrifice – the meaning and myths of it.

We talk about sacrifice in various contexts but only seldom is it true. For instance, we call sacrifice the fact that we raise our children in a healthy environment, providing them with all that we did not have. “I sacrificed myself for the sake of my children. I gave them more than I ever had when growing up.” They usually refer to cars, driving licences they paid for, the latest smartphones/iPhones, a flat, diplomas they paid for, etc. Possessions mainly. Is that truly sacrifice? No, it is not. It is our responsibility as parents to provide for them if we chose to become ones BUT not what the above-mentioned people think they should.

Our children already have MORE than we had in childhood because they were born in a different era, with different social, economic environments and they meet different types of people and facts of life than we did. DUH!

“I did not divorce my abusive husband (emotional abuse is worse than whatever physical wounds he might have inflicted) because of my children. They love their father.” Such a lie! This is not sacrifice, it’s an excuse of cowardice or a motivation of the incapacity to leave him because you don’t have the money to support yourself (pay the court fees, maybe a lawyer’s fees as well, buy a home or even rent one, etc) and your kids without his income. Either because he has always been the financial provider and you were a homemaker or because your income is not sufficiently high due to your lack of a well-paid job that is the consequence of your failure to complete your education or, nowadays, due to the poor job market. This is the truth. You do not sacrifice yourself in staying in a relationship, even if it has nothing to do with abuse of any kind, you sacrifice your children. Why? Because they can FEEL the lack of love between their parents even if they never argue or fight, even if they fake it. They are forced to live a lie that will shape their way of relating to people and handicap their adulthood romances either by making them insensitive/terrified by feelings/emotions or transforming them into jerks, even narcissists who believe EVERY partner should be like their mother and if they are not, they should be punished in whatever way they chose in order to correct them and make them a projection of the mother figure. (repeating the father figure’s behaviour)

“I did not re-marry after my divorce. I didn’t want my child to have a stranger in the house.” First of all, the man who loves you and you love him is not a stranger. Secondly, did you ask your child what they need? Thirdly, are you frigid that you are more afraid of what your child MIGHT say if you considered re-marrying than your own needs? Fourthly, life itself is a risk. No one can predict the outcome of relationships. Does that mean we never try? No. Moreover, if you are planning to get married then your child already knows him. Didn’t you SEE how your child reacted to him before, how he was with your child? Where exactly is your sacrifice?! Nowhere. You are terrified of yet another divorce or ending and throw it on your kid. How shallow.

Examples of true sacrifices:

“He rushed into the burning building to save the people trapped in it. The people made it out. He didn’t.” I know, you will say it was his job as a firefighter or … if he wasn’t a firefighter, they were his friends…blah, blah. How many times did YOU do this for others?! When did you last risk your life to save others without ANY hidden agenda?! …. EXACTLY!

“She was 24 when her son was diagnosed with liver failure. He needed a new one. He was only 5 and had a whole life ahead of him. She volunteered to give her  liver to her son.” Need I explain?!

“The cashier was looking at the masked individual with a gun pointed at her face in terror. He was demanding the money in the till. She was paralyzed with fear. The man was yelling “Give me the money, bitch! Move! I shoot you, you bitch!” She was unable to move. Her boss came from inside the pawn shop and tried to talk the assailant down. She only remembers the sound of the shot and the blood on her face. Her boss lying on the white tiled floor spotted with red puddles and then …. police sirens.

Need more? I think not. There are so many instances in which people TRULY sacrifice themselves BUT no one gives a damn on THAT. Sad…

Lesson 39

“Everyone deserves to be loved”. My experience proved it wrong.
Love is a gift a person bestowes on another because they value them, trust that they are good, honest, responsible people, who would never deliberately hurt them, capable of appreciating the gift NOT a right of the other person. The man/woman who loves you – and they clearly demonstrate it – is NOT your personal free whore (the word applies to both genders just fine), not your toy and not your property! S/he is a valuable PERSON! SomeONE, not something, who has needs, feelings that, if you are incapable of respecting at least, you MUST not toy with. You must leave them alone. Not after a decade, right then when you discover you don’t feel the same! That is what an honorable man/woman does! I know because I did it. I told the young man kneeling in front of me and literally begging me to be his girlfriend that I didn’t have any feelings for him and I couldn’t lie to him. “Better you hate me now than later”. I knew he didn’t get it then but after months we met by chance and he thanked me for being honorable. He had found his match and was happy. I was glad, for what I did and for his luck.
Failing to be honorable due to your egotism or worse, your need to control, your despicable nature makes you not deserving to be loved.
One doesn’t have to be a serial killer, an abuser who beats up the partner/child/parent/etc because they are physically stronger or fucks up their mind and emotions by constant mind games and emotional rollercoaster, a parent who tortures his/her child by depriving him/her of love and appreciation, is as pitiful, as primitive as the first. Would YOU love them? If the answer is yes, you fall in the same category with them.
I do not deny that both these refuses want to be loved. Why wouldn’t they? Even an autistic person can FEEL when they are loved. Why not desire it, why not take it if it’s there and it’s free?! Then, since it’s yours, why not dump it after years you lost count of because it has always been there?!
If those who have deliberately caused others suffering of any kind would NEVER find ANYONE to love them and tolerate there abuse and BS, they would never have the opportunity to CONTINUE with such behaviour. The narcs would seek professional help or go even more demented ON THEIR OWN, the murderers would rot in jail or, hopefully, committ suicide because the fuel for their twisted need is nowhere to be found, the beaters would go nuts, etc. BUT, just as with a liar, cheater and any other piece of garbage does, as long as there is ONE person who loves them, they will never stop. Why would they? It serves their needs.
Who in your life deserves to be loved? What quality makes you love them? Indeed, we do not choose who we love because that would not be the genuine feeling BUT we DO choose who we continue to love no matter what.
A wise man said: “a woman stays with a man because the love is greater than the suffering” (read “a person”). That man was one who publicly admitted that he was grateful to his partner for loving him despite the fact that, on many occasions, he did not deserve it. How many people in your life did this? How many, if any, had the decency to apologize and make ammends? How many told you they loved you, that you were everything to them and swore they would never leave you BUT they NEVER put YOUR needs first?! How many did the exact opposite of what they said?! Do you still believe they deserve to be loved? Well, my sincere condolences then.

Lesson 38

Trust.

There is a large variety of opinions about trust and trusting people. Some advocate trusting no matter what because no one is perfect and if we value others, the good we do comes back to us. Bullshit! We will be taken for fools. Others advocate that humans are good to the core and behave badly due to circumstances and misfortune so we should trust them anyway coz it’s not their fault. Double bullshit! I will not apologize for offending anyone’s online feelings by using this word. I call a spade a spade, as some of you might know by now, and not a sharp object used to poke or kill people and other creatures. It’s high time honesty prevailed in a world so busy to blabber and fail to act, hiding behind grandious words YET clearly showing that we should NOT trust anything they SAY.

Like everything else, trust MUST be EARNED. Someone’s trust is a gift, not a charity, not a right and certainly not something you should take for granted or, worse, mock at by behaving like an ass (both gendered one).

By trusting someone you give part of yourself to them. You open a door to your true self and let them in. You invite them into your life, mind, heart, bed and they MUST respect and cherish that. They don’t, they MUST be discarded. Not later, now. Not tolerated, understood, loved anyway. Thrown away like garbage because a man/woman who walks all over the person who trusted them is nothing but that.

The biggest lesson of my life was not to trust anyone without proof of their true nature over a long period of time. NEVER to believe what I cannot SEE with my very own eyes. ALWAYS double check and look out for how much of what people say they actually validate by behaviour towards me.  And I learned it the hard way. I do not regret the lesson even if it was accompanied by pain and disappointment in the very people whom I loved most. I regret letting them use and abuse me. All in the name of the trust.

You, dear reader, have the liberty to decide for yourself who and how much you trust BUT whatever your decision may be YOU have to take the consequences as well. Although the saying “If you do not hurt the lion, that doesn’t mean the lion will not eat you the first chance he gets”m applies just as much as “No one can hurt you unless you allow them to do so.”

Since the Easter celebration is a heartbeat away, I wish you to live the day when the ones you trust will deserve it and give you back the gift you have provided for them! Happy Easter!

Lesson 37

Masks – what they are and why we wear them.

We all wear masks every day. That does not make us fake or liars. Not at all. It means that we are not the same with everyone, all the time, in all circumstances. It means that we do not show ALL of who we are to just anyone. The only time we are true to who we really are with all our darkness, shadows, pettiness is when we are alone with ourselves or, in some cases, when we are with a loved one whom we value and trust most so that we can let go of any of the usual masks and just be ourselves without fear of being judged or rejected.

We wear a certain mask at work. Since the relationships are professional, working relations, we are aloof and keep people at bay, as we should. We don’t need to even like the people we work with yet work well together as we are capable of detaching from what we feel about them and respect their nature as long as it does not make us uncomfortable or hurt. We are also capable of respecting their particular expertize in a certain field, their value professionally speaking.

We wear a different mask with friends, acquaintances, random people we meet. It is not true that we HAVE to be super open with friends. We CHOOSE to be if they proved to be there for us no matter what and care for us unconditionally but then they change their role in being part of the “loved ones” category.

We are different in the family environment if we feel comfortable and secure in the family home. We are there, ready to help, to accommodate family members so that they themselves feel good around us and because they belong to us and we belong to them by bloodline. YET, we are still NOT the most genuine of our self. We need our own intimate space, the “me time”, in our most profound communion with our spirit.

We are completely different with the love of our life. In the intimate, soul healing and uplifting moments with them, we truly are our best self. Without any masks. In their arms, we can be silly, childish, tired, silent….everything we genuinely ARE. We can just BE.

The danger with masks is that some people NEED to wear a mask so stubbornly, for various reasons, but mostly out of fear of getting hurt, that they lose their self. In time, they forget who they are at the core and become the mask. Some wake up, some don’t. Some learn to accept themselves as they are and try their best to become the best version of themselves they can be and thus become valuable individuals. Some find the masks too comfortable to bother to realize that they are fake and, sadly, affect other people’s lives. At the end of the day, they will have that aha moment when their subconscious creeps in and shows them the truth about them but … it may be too late for change. They lose. They miss out on the wonders of life and people.

Have YOU shed your masks or do you love them too much?

Do not hesitate in leaving your opinions in the comments. Communication is key to every blessing!

 

Lesson 36

Truth vs Illusion

I have recently had a discussion, well a short lived one due to work, with someone about the topic I am going to dwell upon today. The core of the discussion was a recent reading she has experienced (I do not mean tarot reading) in the weekend and that taught her a lot.

I am pleased to hear/see that people learn from readings or personal experience and that they develop, hopefully, their own perspective about instances of life. I have to admit the fact that books have not taught me as much as what I have personally felt or events that happened to me in the half a century I have been on this planet. Maybe this works best for me because it is common knowledge that what we experience first hand is our truth and what others tell us or show us is theirs and we decide to take it as valid or not BUT it will NEVER be our truth unless we blindly follow the path they preach and un-judgingly take everything as if it were an axiom.

It is in my nature to question everything. NO, it does not mean I am a suspicious nature although in many instances I should have been thus avoiding many of the hardship I allowed myself to go through due to my trusting others. What I mean is that I am defined by the word ”knowledge” or thirst for knowing, for understanding what is going on. I believe in what I can validate by facts. I resent being fed ideas, concepts, perspectives others learned from books. Even if they went through various stuff, what they have taken out of them may not apply to ME. I would never be an adept of anything that has not been demonstrated to me, in any possible way. The best way for me is through behaviour and sensations. Being an empath, I FEEL stuff and many times I cannot explain the process or the very notion of being an empath. Those who have been gifted the same, know exactly what I mean and face the same “funny looks” from the average human being and we KNOW what they are thinking: “poor her, she lost her marbles” or “oh boy, she’s nuts” or, in best cases, “what the devil is she talking about?!”. Well, I got used to it and couldn’t care less. The only person who matters in my life, my daughter, gets it. The rest….not my problem. Nor do I have the desire anymore to share. It’s not worth the effort.

Anyhow, fact is that what we believe in our mind and core of the emotional being is our truth. What does not validate in real life, is an illusion. I have heard many say that everyting is an illusion because it is ONLY our interpretation of reality. Sorry folks, if I were to accept this, even my existence would be an illusion and yours, for that matter. I cannot go that far because it seems to me an exageration. Others have all the liberty to believe what they please or what they like to believe. Life, our ideas, our truths are NOT in competition and it’s not a matter of who is right and who is wrong, although many people NEED me to agree to their belief system. I cannot. Will not. It’s not in my nature to be gullable thus, if they fail to demonstrate, I WILL reject their perspective. I do not need them to agree to mine. Since we claim to be unique, it is only natural to have our very OWN perspective on things. And it doesn’t matter much UNTIL it affects other people. When this happens, our responsibility begins because we ARE defined by our BEHAVIOUR, not by the way we choose to see ourselves. That is a truth, not an illusion. What we make other people feel because of our behaviour is a fact. If it were an illusion, they would not call us out on what we did to them or how they felt because of us.

The same way, if what we experience is merely our perspective and not reality, what’s the point in going to work/school, striving to gather wealth and money, build homes, open a business, make children, etc etc etc?! It’s all an illusion, right? So why not IMAGINE all that, sitting comfortably on top of your bed with your eyes closed? Oops, even your bed is an illusion! (lol) Why move mountains to HAVE them here and now, in real life, in this lifetime?!

I will not feed you a conclusion. It’s not the purpose of this lesson. Its purpose is to teach you to be realistic and stop blabbering about others’ ideas, perspectives, and start ACTING in such a way as not to create a malicious effect on others. By being true to your own values, by behaving in the exact same way you want others to behave towards you, you will be the best version of yourself you can be, whether it is writtten in a book or not, and this world, as it is, will guaranteed be a better place for ALL.

 

Lesson 35

Envy is one of the manifestations of the ego I cannot understand. Not because it is complicated but because, in many instances, it is unjustified. I’ll explain why I say this. And what better way to do so than give you some examples. You, dear reader, are more than capable to draw your own conclusions based on the fact/s presented.

Thus, as every day I learn things that many times I wish I didn’t because they add to the disappointment in people and disgust towards their behaviour, I remember an individual (I cannot call her a lady and I do not wish to offend the women of the world by associating them with her although she sees herself as such and repeatedly SAYS so about herself, at least she kept telling me what a lady she was almost daily until I had to get rid of her for the very reason of her narcissistic and jennyass character) whose ONLY discourse was and is about herself as a superior being who everyone copies and about how stupid, ugly or ill-dressed all around her are. I’m not saying that in some reference to the people she was judging she was totally wrong but that’s ALL she ever talked about so it was clear to me that, in fact, she was full of frustrations and envy towards others. There was no competition whatsoever so her discourse was plain malice and envy. “Look at her what a peasant she dresses like and she is married with kids” is one example.

I remember another individual who was never satisfied with how much he owned. Others had better cars and he needed to change his as well, his friend’s house was bigger so I assume he built some more to his existing one, his ex-high school mates had better-payed jobs so he dumped the woman who had been there for him for over a decade without a word and went to work abroad although he was having a good pension yet, due to his constant need for more, he also had debts at various banks.

Some envy others for what they did not accomplish in a lifetime forgetting that those others may have had better opportunities OR made better decisions than they did and that is why they accomplished more. Others envy everybody just because that’s who they are: frustrated little creatures who wasted their lives, for various reasons, full of complexes and low self-esteem they take out on those around them. This is how the gossipers fill up the world and judgements that have absolutely no relevance, coming from no-quality people, are spread. The problem is that there is ALWAYS someone to listen to THEM. When a truly intelligent person has something important to say, most of the time, there is NOONE to listen. Weird, huh? To say the least.

I never envied hard working people who accomplished everything they strived for or more. They had their own home when I was living with my parents, they had their independence while I was bound to comply to family rules, they had a partner while I remained a single mother, they had cars, position, money, etc. I loathed the rest. Still do. Always will. Those who got more than they would ever live to deserve just because God continues to apply the story of the prodigal son.

Lesson 33

Intelligence versus infatuation.

I know it sounds like a strange comparison having in view the fact that “infatuation” refers to a feeling of love or attraction that usually doesn’t last long. The Cambridge Dictionary associates it with “crush” and “puppy love” (see: https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/infatuation) but further reading of this lesson will clarify any doubts you may have regarding the truth of what I believe this comparison reveals. In the Romanian language, we use the term “infatuat” which means a person who is in love with him/herself, cocky, boastful, precisely the meaning I convey in today’s lesson. ( INFATUÁT, -Ă, infatuați, -te, adj. Plin de sine însuși, îngâmfat, înfumurat.)

Thus, when we speak about intelligence we make reference to the individual’s capacity to learn, understand what s/he is being told or shown, make judgements based on facts and figures, on real-life situations, as well as have opinions based on rational thinking and founded on experience and/or learning.

On the opposite pole, infatuation is exaggerated self-love, self-praise, the misconception of the individual about his/her abilities/mental capacities. Truth be told, not all human beings are intelligent. If they were, we would never encounter stupid ones along the way. We all possess a brain, obviously, BUT not all use it properly or not all brains are developed enough to process properly. I understand stupid, you were born like that, BUT I find infatuation with the image you made up in your mind about how smart you are without actually proving it or, sadly, proving it as being distorted/dysfunctional, a pitiful attempt of the stupid individual to show off. Rather than focusing all his energy, wit – no matter how limited – and knowledge – no matter how scarce – to cultivate his brain cells into absorbing and training it the best way they can to produce intelligent thought and action, they indulge in boasting. Self-love is great and should be performed by every one coz if you don’t love yourself, no one should, but that does not allow you to get so immersed in your egotism that you actually look down upon or even offend more evolved individuals who have proven themselves.

An intelligent person is mentally stable. An infatuated one is not. An intelligent person (and I include here the ones who have studied all their lives, who educated others, who one way or the other shared their knowledge based on experience and made an impact on the audience, not just the ones with an innate high IQ) doesn’t need to boast and is certainly not infatuated with him/herself. They don’t need it. They are grateful for what they achieved, I only refer to the mental development here, and accept the limitations they could not surpass and acknowledge the fact that there will ALWAYS be someone more intelligent than they are, in one field or another. More importantly, they do not envy those and do not feel them as threatening. They admire them.

Thus, an intelligent person doesn’t need to boast, doesn’t feel threatened by more intelligent people than themselves. The infatuated ones find every truly intelligent person as a potential threat and definitely competition they have to either get rid of or desperately try to prove stupid. A waste of their time and energy because there is no way in hell an intelligent person will become stupid just because the infatuated frustrated little creatures so desire.

I have met people who couldn’t understand the written word in their own mother tongue, let alone what I said to them, yet I could actually SEE how hard they tried to prove me wrong as if I wished to be right. I couldn’t care less about what was right or wrong for them. All I did was, naively, hoping they could carry the conversation they initiated and I stated that “in MY experience” whatever they postulated was different. And I will do it as many times as necessary because MY experience is valuable and beats any theory of any pathetic little creature who thinks they are smart just because they recite what they have read someplace but have zero contribution from their own mind.

Bibliography: The Cambridge Dictionary online, dexonline.ro

 

Lesson 32

Arrogance is a variation of pride and is a proof of the individual’s frustrations, no matter what s/he may say or others may interpret about it. Whether we like it or not, whether we consciously admit it or not, nowadays the number of arrogant people is higher than, for instance, 10 years ago. How do I know this? I can SEE it almost every day, at work, in the streets, with people I thought I knew before they changed for whatever reason, I wasn’t told so I cannot debate on it.

Nevertheless, not EVERYONE I met in some context or another showed arrogance, to me or others they came into contact with. I have also met humble people, decent to the core, who didn’t NEED to be arrogant. Mind you, the display of arrogance is a need not a wimp. The Cambridge Dictionary provides an extensive definition of the term which only proves what I just said. Thus, the arrogant person is “unpleasantly proud and behaving as if you are more important than, or know more than, other people“. Since you wish/want to be more important, more knowledgable than other people or imagine you are, it is your NEED to show off in order to convince yourself first and then others that what you imagine about yourself is true. Naturally, it would serve you and others best if you strived to become what you wish to be by hard work, loads of studying and, most importantly, by constant learning to develop yourself to the best version you can be and from those who have already become their best version. That is a visible fact so you do not need to search for truly brilliant people. On the other hand, in the era of technology, opportunities for self-development and self-growth are abundant.

Narcissistic people are arrogant. Even if they are covert narcs (hiding their narcissistic disorder for some time coz, eventually, their true nature comes out) they NEED to project into the world a persona that they NEED to think they are.  They believe they are since they have lived with their false self more than anyone else. BUT deep inside they are fragile, immature, scared little creatures who loathe their very nature. Thus, the NEED to be what they are not.

The arrogant individuals I met were simply dissatisfied with what they accomplished in a lifetime and, in order to avoid being proven stupid, (although they did a great job at it themselves), they attacked before anyone would have ever thought of attacking them. I say attack because in their narrow mind everyone who was smarter than them, more accomplished socially, financially, more stable emotionally than them was a potential enemy. Others made it their life purpose to contradict everything either by directly saying “I don’t think so” especially in contexts they had no competence in or by retorting to advice “but you should think about…./you should try….”. Of course, they got silenced with witty replies because no one should tolerate unsolicited advice or rubbish contradictions. You do have the right to disagree in a conversation if you are qualified to give an opinion but that doesn’t mean that you are entitled to advise people about what you have never experienced or taught in an official quality: as a teacher/trainer/lecturer, etc.

Arrogance is not a quality. Arrogant people may also be mean to others for the same reason I mentioned above. They NEED to prove themselves by belittling others or by contradicting others. They know better, they have more (whatever that more may be), they ARE better. No, they are not. If they were, they wouldn’t need to be arrogant. An intelligent person and, especially a mentally, emotionally, spiritually if you will stable person doesn’t NEED to be arrogant. Those who lack such stability do. They need to impose their ideas, ideals, dreams, power onto others. They need to feel in control and always ahead of everyone else. That, my friends, we all know is quite impossible. There will always be someone smarter, better looking, richer, more well-read, more well-dressed, luckier than us. Life is not a competition, it’s a journey. Best way to feel alive is to enjoy what we do have while striving to be better human beings. 

 

Lesson 31

Pride. Where does it come from and what is the reason for it? How do we deal with it?

In general terms, pride is quite a simple thing yet it may be so detrimental to both the proud individual and the people around him/her. We all have some amount of pride that is inherent to human nature. We are proud of our accomplishments, of what our children became, of our possessions, of our social position, etc. All that is natural. We may as well be proud of our looks if genetics endowed us with good genes and we manage to take care of us on a daily basis.

We may have learned to be prideful because we were pampered as kids by over-loving parents who made it their mission to spoil us for various reasons. Either because they had never been spoiled and wanted us “to have what they didn’t” and more or because they had been spoiled in their turn and that’s how they knew parenting was supposed to be done.

We may have learned to be prideful in order to compensate for our low self-esteem and fear of failure or rejection. Fears that may originate from the early stages of our lives. The reverse family if you wish, namely the over-regulated one which had more rules than love, more limitations than freedoms, more criticism than appreciation. Under the circumstances, the individual had to adapt in order to feel good about him/herself, which is understandable, BUT, because they didn’t have the right tools, they made the wrong choice that is to create an ego that exceeds the healthy standard.

If the circumstances did not change for a long period of time and if the individual was exposed to the same typology of people as his parents were, his ego grew by the minute. Not having a regulating system or not knowing how to apply it to his own nature (personality has a big say in how we relate to events and people!), the individual may slip onto the pathologic side of the matter. Thus, narcissists are born and, without years of therapy, we cannot hope in the recovery of the normal pride of the human being.

Pride may, as well, give birth to boasting and, in some instances, the making up of a persona = a false self/mask. It is not fair to throw everything that is not normal onto the narcissists. Many people show different faces towards different people, in different circumstances. The very same person may be a god sent to someone and a complete jerk to me. That doesn’t make them all mentally challenged BUT it makes them equally dangerous to themselves and others. Why themselves? I know the question sounds strange but the truth is that they hurt themselves first by dwelling so much in a false/made up reality about themselves that they risk losing their true self. They may end up in truly becoming what they are not and not even realizing it. By the time some do, it may be too late coz their mind was affected and their coming back to reality may take longer or, sad cases, they never will regain mastery of their own lives.

How to handle pride? The answer is not as difficult as you may think. With honesty, I say. Honesty towards ourselves, first of all, saves us each time from disappointment and, thus, from the need to pretend to be what we are not. An individual who clearly knows who and what s/he is, what his/her strengths are and which are the limitations she/he faces and accepts them (eg. I would love to sing. I did have a great singing voice in my 20-30s but lost it. No matter how much I would love to regain it, I can no longer carry a tune OR I would love to paint. My mom used to paint for a short while in her youth. I never could. I tried and failed. I admit that I cannot be a singer or painter. I accept that I am not good at everything I would like to be good at. So what? I’m a great writer or mother or anything else. EVERYONE is good at something and bad at some other things.) making the most of what s/he CAN, has no NEED for pride, pretences, no masks are created YET we ARE wonderful human beings for the simple reason that we are HONEST.

Go home. Find a mirror. Look into it long and hard. SEE yourself as you are. Praise yourself for the good deeds you have done. Scold yourself for your stupid ego and bad behaviour. Accept. Build. Improve yourself every day! Success is guaranteed.

 

Lesson 30

Fate.

I have spent most of my life, about 49 years, fighting against the idea of fate. I strongly believed that if I do my best: if I work hard, I treat people right even if they behave like jerks towards me, if I forgive those who took me for granted and hurt me because this is how people are and living in resentment is not healthy, blah blah all that philosophy people blabber about even today yet when if comes to THEM, they suddenly either change the subject or go mute coz it is more convenient to judge others than admit your own shit, huh? (Disgusting.) I will have the life I need. And I didn’t need much. To have my own home with my own family, to be truly loved by a man who would never abandon me. I am a mom.

I trusted that people are by nature good and no matter what rotten education they have had as children or have not had any, if I am nice to them and try to understand them, they will see the difference between ME, a genuinely special woman, and those who use them and then dump them moneyless, homeless in many cases, full of debt because her majesty needed to be spoiled with expensive stuff she did not appreciate anyway, demented because they chose to marry a frigid highschool graduate whom they always had to find work for and she rejected them, etc. (too long a list to waste my time)

I remember this individual I briefly had a “relationship” with many many years ago. About half a year? He pursued me until I finally agreed to have a go. He was an officer, not very smart but not dumb either. In the beginning, as always, he was all smitten and was planning for the long haul. Then, one day, he vanished. No phone call, nothing. The internet had not yet been invented. Years past and I forgot about him because why would anyone remember someone with this type of behaviour? I admit I never tried to talk to him. I could have found him through his job but I felt too disgusted to even try. After many years, he called my office asking to speak to me. I did reply. He was enquiring about his son whom he hadn’t heard from in months and was in the military in my part of the world. Here’s the conversation we had (I think I remember it fairly accurately):

– I am trying to locate my son. He enlisted in the Army and last I heard from him was two months ago. I wish I knew he was fine. My daughter left home many years ago. She couldn’t stand my new wife. I don’t know where she is. Emptied my bank account too.

– I didn’t know you got married …. you just vanished without a word…

– I was a jerk …

– Can’t contradict you there.

– I must have hurt you a lot… I am sorry. I am so sorry. I should have married you. I thought that you will be high maintenance and I wanted someone simple…. a peasant… Well, I got one. She doesn’t care about me, I have no say in my own house … I have no one to talk to, I’m losing my mind. Forgive me, please forgive me!!!

He read me a poem he had written, addressed to love. It made no sense. Crazy words melting together, produce of a tormented, lonely mind.

I did forgive him. He was a destroyed, delusional man writing poetry to a love he will never meet … again. A broken human being living in a place of darkness. A hell of his own making. I actually felt sorry for him but then I remembered that he didn’t feel sorry when he dumped me without so much as a goodbye. I did not deserve that. I did not deserve any of the hurt people caused me for the simple reason that I trusted them, valued them, even loved them as they were without asking for anything else than what they already were receiving from me. I sold myself cheap. BUT …. had I respected my own value, had I not trusted anyone, had I not cared about anyone, I would have NEVER had even the little that I did.

Why? Because THERE IS fate. Very little of my life was practically MY choice. Sometimes opportunities presented themselves and I got to choose. Most of the time I had two options: the situation at hand and NOTHING. Who in their sane mind would choose nothing?!

I came to understand and accept the fact that at least MY fate had been decided by a higher power and I had no say in it. I have had proof of it especially since 2006 when my life took a turn I didn’t ask for. I hoped, I believed, I did everything humanly possible to make it work. It did. For a decade when …. the story repeated itself. Yet another jerk vanished without a word. One who had promised, one who had sworn he was genuine. One who taught me a lesson I had already learned many years before meeting his sorry ass, that is people are the same with ME. Liars, cowards, manipulative little creatures, full of frustrations and mommy complexes who cannot distinguish between truth and delusion so they are terrified by what they feel, idiots who took me for a fool and when I proved I wasn’t they chose to run like rabbits back into the cave they crawled out of. What is the saddest of all is that women are the same, with ME. Pretending to be friends, pretending to care. The minute they realize I will NOT be a resource they can borrow money from, I will not praise whatever stupidity they say or think about themselves, I will not agree to what I know from experience that does not apply to me, I will not tolerate their narcissistic behaviour for ever, in the name of friendship OR when they meet a dick, I cease to exist to them. Guess what? I’m GLAD. For the first time in my life, I am glad I do not need anyone.

I defy my fate. I will no longer be anything to anyone. Not even to God who gifted me to lowlives in order to make their lives easier and happier. I did not matter. I was broken and I had to fix myself ALONE. And I did. Nothing else, no one else matters. My daughter was absolutely right when she said: “YOU are the centre of the Universe. No one else.” I learned my lesson well. Never again.